The Top 10 Ways To Argue With Libertarians

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I’ll be honest, libertarians are kind of annoying. All their dogmatic preaching about “liberty” and what not gets pretty exasperating after a while. Sure our government kills a lot of people and takes a lot of property from people, but don’t these libertarian fools realize that they live in the freest country in the world? These radical nitwits need to have some freaking respect for goodness sake and be grateful that they are blessed to live in the United States of America.

Chances are you might run into one of these weed-smoking whackjobs on social media, so here are ten devastating arguments to use against libertarians:

  1. Libertarians just want to smoke pot and have sex with everybody
    If you think about it, there’s really no reason to go around promoting ridiculous ideas like “freedom” unless you want to engage in these types of socially unacceptable activities. Furthermore, studies have shown that 100% of libertarians are potheads, so that’s a good statistic to have in your back pocket for online debates with “lolbertarians,” as they have been labeled on social media.
  2. Libertarians think that selfishness is morally good
    Another useful statistic to use in these types of debates is the fact that all libertarians have read and worship the philosopher Ayn Rand. Rand argued that the purpose of life is individual happiness and anybody who claims to be a libertarian unashamedly accepts this horrendous ideology.
  3. Libertarians think that taxation is theft
    Honestly, is there a stupider statement than “taxation is theft?” Theft involves taking somebody else’s property, but since the government owns everything, it is really just reclaiming its own property. Also, taxation is basically voluntary since, by staying in this country, individuals tacitly consent to being taxed. Further, without taxes, how would government obtain funding? Since government funding is necessary and I can’t think of an alternative way for it to be funded, then taxation must be morally permissible.
  4.  Libertarians have no morals
    Libertarians make a false distinction between what is moral and what should be legal. Everybody knows that there is no difference between legality and morality, which is why it is morally evil to roll through stop signs. Anybody who drives like this is irrepressibly evil and on the same moral level as Hitler. On the other hand, actions like adultery and gossip are certainly not morally wrong since they have not been outlawed by our government.
  5. Libertarians hate roads
    This is pretty self-explanatory: without a strong central government, there is no conceivable way to provide adequate means of transportation. Historically, we know that government created the wheel, initiated travel by sea, and invented the train, therefore, libertarians are ridiculous to think that people would innovate modes of transportation without government oversight. Libertarians basically want to create an immobile population, which is completely unacceptable.
  6. Libertarians want the United States to get nuked by its enemies
    Libertarians oppose many of the U.S. wars, which are all essential for protecting our treasured freedoms. Without our brave soldiers killing people in the Middle East, who knows what might happen to us in the United States. Undoubtedly, without our preemptive military action, the United States would get nuked by North Korea. Thus, by opposing these military actions, libertarians support the destruction of America by North Korea.
  7. Libertarians are racists
    I once heard that a certain famous libertarian failed to sign a petition condemning racism. That means that he is a racist and all other libertarians are racist by association.
  8. Libertarians don’t realize that the government loves them
    Libertarians have a fundamental distrust of the government, which is sadly misguided. I mean how could our fabulous, loving government have any other motivation besides the ultimate good of its citizens? It’s not like other governments throughout history have ever tried to harm their own citizens.
  9. Libertarians don’t understand that rights come from government
    All this talk about “natural liberty” and “inalienable rights” is hogwash. The Constitution delineates a bunch of rights, which means that these rights are from the government. Therefore, these libertarian nutjobs should just shut up and be glad that our benevolent government blesses them with rights like the freedom of speech.
  10. Libertarians are terrible at geography
    Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson did not know where Aleppo is, which is totally embarrassing. The average American citizen is phenomenal at geography, so it’s kind of scary to think of supporting the political beliefs of people who are geographically ignorant. If their presidential candidate didn’t even know where a super well-known city is located, I wonder if the average libertarian even knows what geography is?

So there you go. After finishing reading this post, you are now equipped to argumentationally decimate any pathetic libertarian you might encounter. Beware of their dangerous, secret agenda to take over the world and then leave everybody alone. What a scary concept!

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[Disclaimer: If you couldn’t tell, this entire post was satirical and shouldn’t be taken as a representation of the views of the author.]

 

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